You Are Loved

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

It was my freshman year of high school. First period. 2004. April 19th. The morning announcements had just come on over the school intercom. The voice on the intercom called for a moment of silence, and I remember having the realization that someone from our school had passed away. I remember feeling sorry for the friends and family, and being silently thankful for my world being so in tact. I was barely listening; wrapped up in thought when my world was suddenly shattered. I knew that name. I knew that girl. My childhood best friend had committed suicide. I went numb.

From that day forward, I tried to bury myself in church. I tried to mask the pain I was feeling. I tried pretending to be happy. I tried pretending to be anything, but the angry person I was on the inside. Finally, I gave up.

I walked away from God. Time and time again I would try to come back, but I could not shake the feeling of abandonment I was carrying around. In July of 2007, I lost yet another of my closest friends. I sank into a place of depression and fear. I didn't want others to know how bad I was hurting. I turned to alcohol, drugs, prescription medication, and anything that disguised the pain. I found friends that accepted me into this lifestyle, and began a life of partying and recklessness. On the outside I appeared fine. I was having fun, making friends, and disregarding the people around me that tried to show any concern. On the inside, I was still struggling. My heart was full of anger and emptiness. I eventually found myself at a place where this lifestyle wasn't enough to mask the pain. I found myself wondering if God had forgotten about me. I decided I had nothing left to lose and that I would give him one last try. 

I told myself that I would pursue God until he pursued me. The first few times I went back to church I still felt empty and lonely. Weeks went by with no change, and I was ready to give up. It was a Sunday morning during worship, and I found myself kneeling at the altar. In my heart I was saying "God I give up on you. I give up on pursuing you. Where are you? If you are really there, then show me that I have worth." I suddenly found myself bawling my eyes out uncontrollably. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. The minute that service ended, I wanted to rush out the door and never come back. Instead, I found myself crying into the shoulder of someone who was a second mother to me growing up. It wasn't her usual service, and we hadn't really connected in a while. Regardless, she took me to the side and laid hands on me. I wouldn't tell her what was wrong, but I think she knew the pain I was feeling. In this moment, she changed my life. She spoke God's forgiveness over my life for the past, worth over my present, and a passionate vision for my future. I finally understood. God had never stopped pursuing me.

The second I hit my knees that day and drew closer to God; he drew closer to me. It took me years of struggle before I finally realized that God was trying to pick me up off my knees. He kept calling me back to him, and I was too stubborn, selfish, and prideful to understand. When I finally grasped this, I hit the ground running. God filled me with joy and happiness for life. He laid his healing hand over me. He stole away the fears and burdens I had been carrying.

Sharing my story is a huge leap of faith for me. Admitting to the sins and struggles of your past is never easy. However, I know that there are so many people out there who are going through similar trials in their life. My hope is that you will read this and be encouraged. Be encouraged in the fact that you are not alone. Be encouraged in knowing that His love is passionate and never-failing. You are not defined by your past. You are loved. We serve an extraordinary God. No matter what you have done, what addictions you are battling, what trials you are facing, what insecurities you are feeling: He is bigger. His grace will heal you. Open your heart to him, and you will open the door to purpose. Don't settle for anything less than what has been promised to you because His promises are never broken.